Beside Yourself
by SunshineDaisiesWindmills
Summary: Lily was dead. Trigger warning for depression/ptsd.


Lily was dead.

Dead, dead, dead.

Her heart had stopped beating, her lungs had stopped taking in air. The neurons in her brain had stopped firing. Her muscles were rigid, unable to be moved any more. Her skin had tightened around her bones. Her spirit had fled her lifeless body.

Lily was dead.

Someone had begun to speak. She registered the sound, but could not make out the words. Without meaning to, her ears focused until the words were clear. "Lily, Lily you have to get up."

She couldn't tell who it was. A man's voice maybe.

It was an odd thing, to be dead. Wasn't she supposed to see everything? Shouldn't she be floating above herself, watching the people mourn her? Lily only saw the ceiling above her and the darkness when she blinked.

" _Lily!_ Lily please get up. Please."

The face the voice belonged to was floating above her now, obstructing her view of the ceiling. The face was familiar. A brother, she thought.

His brother.

 _His_ brother.

"Lily, get _up_. Harry needs you. I need you. You can't leave me too."

"Sirius," another voice sounded, "be patient with her."

"No. No. Fuck that. I've been patient for bloody weeks. GET THE FUCK UP, EVANS! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU CAN'T JUST GO ON PRETENDING LIKE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! IT HAPPENED! YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AWAY! GET. UP."

He had begun to shake her violently. He was being very rude, didn't he know she was dead?

Hot tears ran down the sides of her face, pooling near the opening of her ear.

The shaking stopped rather abruptly, but the screaming didn't.

"GET UP YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU GIANT FUCKING TWAT! GET. UP."

Had Lily been alive, she'd have hexed him into next week. But Lily was dead.

"Sirius. _Sirius_. Stop. _Stop!_ "

"Fine. FINE! But do you hear that Lily? That baby crying? That is _your son_. That is _his_ son. What would he think of you? What would James think of you right know?"

Slowly, Lily turned her head toward the sound. She blinked once, and with a voice that hadn't been used in an eternity, whispered, "Don't."

"Don't what, Lily?" He was approaching her again.

"Sirius. Sirius don't. Sirius."

"Don't remind you of your husband? Don't tell you that the love of your life would think you a lazy fucking sod?"

" _Sirius_."

"He died for you, Lily. Remember that? He died so you could live. My _best friend_ is fucking dead because of you! He's dead, Lily! Gone! And if you're just going to lie here and starve yourself to death then it was the biggest fucking waste I've ever seen."

" _Sirius_."

"It should've been you. It should've—"

"I NEVER ASKED HIM TO!" The words burst from her chest before she had thought to speak.

Both men stared at her in utter disbelief. "I didn't ask him to die for me. I didn't ask him to try and hold _him_ off. I told him not to I told him over and over and over that he shouldn't because I would hate him if he did. And I do. I hate him and I hate you and I hate Harry and I hate myself."

Slowly, she began to sit up. When she was at the edge of the bed, she shook her head gently. "I don't know what to do." Sobs wracked through her body. " _I don't know what to do_."

Remus was now sitting by her side, his arms wrapped around her torso. She stayed stiff in his embrace. Sirius remained across the room, staring at her.

"Let's start with eating," Remus said softly.

"Let's start with _Harry_ ," Sirius countered.

"No," she said.

"He needs his mother."

" _No._ "

"You don't want to see your own son? You really are the coldest bitch I've ever met."

"Sirius."

Lily blinked.

"I hate you," she said. "I hate you. I hate you," she reached across Remus and grabbed a picture frame from her night stand, "I FUCKING HATE YOU," she screamed as the frame flew through the air and crashed against the wall. She escaped from Remus's grasp and began throwing everything she could reach at Sirius. "I HATE YOU," she screamed. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU TOLD US TO SWITCH. YOU TOLD US WE'D BE SAFE AND NOW HE'S DEAD AND IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU."

"He'd be fine if he hadn't married you."

Before he had finished speaking, Lily threw a glass cup in his direction. Sirius did not move in time, and the glass hit him squarely in the forehead before falling to the ground and shattering. Sirius took several steps back, blinked slowly twice and said, "I'm fucking done with you, Evans," before walking out of her room and disappearing away.

"Li—"

"Leave."

"Lily," Remus scolded, "Lily you can't—"

"LEAVE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!"

Remus stared at her.

"GET. OUT." She threw another picture frame at him for good measure.

Remus left the room and shut the door behind him.

Lily lowered herself to the floor and sat in silence.

She was dead. She was dead she was dead she was dead.

She had to be dead because this couldn't be real. The green light she saw so often in her mind had hit her and not him and everything was as it should be.

She was dead.

Dead, dead, dead.

The baby was crying again and the shrillness sliced through her not-dead ears. _Fuck_ , she thought. _Fuck_. If she ignored him long enough, maybe he'd stop.

Why wouldn't he stop? Couldn't he just _shut up_?

The child was screaming louder than ever. With a great deal of willpower, she rose from the ground and walked toward the hallway. She stepped on bits of broken glass on her way, but ignored it and continued to walk to her son's room.

She reached his door, but paused before she entered. _Put on the smile_ , she told herself, _make the voice_ , _pretend that you're okay._

She walked through the door, but couldn't manage a smile. Her face didn't move that way anymore.

"Harry," she whispered through the boys sighs. "Mummy's here." The words felt forced and shallow in her mouth. She walked slowly to his cot, and grabbed him under his arms. His sobs subsided a bit as she held him in her arms. Lily thought she might vomit.

Her child looked at her, and all she saw was James. His mess of black hair, his crooked smile, the light that now shone in her son's eyes. The light that took him. It was there, taunting her through the innocent eyes of a child. Her child. _His_ child.

He was crying again, but all Lily hear was James shouting, "TAKE HARRY AND GO!" the pounding of her heart, the awful, terrible thud as his body hit the floor. The sounds of her life ending.

James. James, James, James.

James could make him stop crying. Why wouldn't he stop crying?

She dropped him back in his cot. "Stop crying," she said, "please stop crying."

He screamed louder.

 _James_ , she thought, _how could you leave me alone?_

Harry wailed, reaching up for his mother.

 _How dare you?_

Lily sank to the floor. "Stop crying," she said. "Please stop, please stop, please stop."

He wasn't listening.

She drew her knees close to her chest and rocked gently back and forth in the beat of her mantra, "please stop, please stop, please stop."

Her hands covered her ears and she rocked faster, "stopstopstopstopstop."

"SHUT UP!" she screamed finally. "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

Harry continued to cry.

She laid herself on the floor, crying silently.

Lily was alive.

Her heart was pounding, her lungs screamed as they were filled with air. The neurons in her brain fired in double time, sending all the sensory messages she did not want. Her muscles were sore and stiff. Her skin felt like an oversized sweater. Her spirit was nowhere to be found.

Lily was alive.

She wished she was dead.


End file.
